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4 weeks ago tears streamed down my face as I heard our garage door open. It was 5:30 pm and Jason had just picked up Nolan from daycare and was returning home from work.

I had spent the entire day alone with Graham nursing, napping, and changing nappies. It had been a particularly challenging day - one where your newborn clusterfeeds and wants to eat every hour. A day where you don’t even bother wearing a bra, let alone a shirt, because you’re constantly feeding. So you sit topless accepting your fate - you won’t be able to leave the house ever again without this child attached to your boob.

The garage door closed and I heard a faint little voice call out with a familiar demand, “I want my paci!” After a long full day of playing and learning, Nolan’s first request upon arriving at home was for the one thing that soothed him best - his pacifier.

It had been our plan to keep Nolan in daycare while I was on maternity leave in order to maintain his routine while giving me an opportunity to bond with and focus on Graham. Although I would be home and theoretically able to watch Nolie, realistically, caring for a toddler and a newborn by myself in the early weeks of postpartum recovery wasn’t something I could handle.

But this day the mom guilt struck hard as I realized I didn’t see Nolan that morning before he left for “school” and I would now only have 1.5 hours with him before his 7 pm bedtime. One hour and thirty minutes with my “baby.” My little blonde hair, blue eyed, smiley, smart toddler. The child I am responsible for would only see his mother...talk to his mama...hug his mommy...for 90 minutes before bedtime that day.

In a 24 hour period I would likely only see my first-born son for (maybe) a total of 3 hours.

The tears rolled down my cheeks.

This wasn’t the first time I felt like I was deprived of quality time with my son. That remorse had been present almost daily since I returned to work March 2018 after my first maternity leave.

But now, March 2020, that same guilt of having such limited interaction with Nolan was exacerbated by the amount of attention I had dedicated to Graham over the last few weeks. “I’m home, not working, yet I’m still not seeing him,” I thought.

That night I cried to my husband, “I don’t know if I can go back to work. I’m missing out on so much time with Nolan. I’m basically earning a paycheck to send him to daycare so someone else can watch him.” I felt ashamed. Sad. Guilty. Defeated.

I’ve been working since I was 15 years old. I like working. I love being able to contribute to our family’s bills and maintain a sense of financial independence. But I also love being a mom. Now with two kids, that balance between work and parenting would become even more challenging.

I had always planned to go back to work. But now I was having second thoughts.

That night Jason and I talked about different “return to work” scenarios - full time, part time, not at all, etc. We discussed keeping Nolan home from daycare a few days in April so I could experience taking care of two kids full time by myself. I was nervous but excited for our trial run. I prayed that over the next few weeks I could get some clarity on what I was supposed to do once maternity leave ended 4/30/20 - return to work or stay home?

Two days later the WHO declared the Coronavirus a pandemic. And everything changed. Social Distancing was implemented. Employees were instructed to work from home. Schools closed. Businesses shut down. Cruise lines canceled voyages and airlines reduced flights. Daycares closed. Although Nolan’s school was available until 6:00 pm Wednesday, 3/18, we kept Nolan home beginning Monday, 3/16 to help “flatten the curve.”

I had anxiety as chaos emerged around the world, but amongst the panic, I felt a big sense of relief; I could keep my son safe at home, no longer exposing him to the germs he consistently picked up at daycare.

In addition, I was given the beautiful gift of quality time with my 2 year old that I had desperately prayed for. I was granted the opportunity to keep my toddler home and teach, play, and cuddle with him 7 days a week rather than the 2 days I was accustomed to.

Because of the Coronavirus, I was given a preview of what life would look like as a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM).

Over the last 3 weeks, I’ve maintained my role of mother, teacher, friend, disciplinarian, and chef while increasing the number of portrayals of musician, coach, artist, yoga instructor, puzzle-master, and professional hugger.

I’ve chased, tickled, and danced with my first-born while my newborn slept peacefully. I’ve fed my toddler meals and snacks (oh the never ending snacks) while nursing my baby. I’ve scolded my 2 year old and implemented time-outs while calmly rocking a 2 month old.

I’ve sang, talked, shushed, read, counted, yelled, laughed and cried. And I’ve desperately looked forward to 1 pm nap time every.single.day.

I feel slightly guilty that the maternity leave I was supposed to have dedicated to Graham resulted in pulling double duty and “home-schooling” Nolan. But truthfully I am so thankful I had this chance. I will cherish the memories Nolan and I made together during this unprecedented time:

Dancing in the basement. Going on bear hunts around the house. Coloring at the table. Playing instruments. Singing silly songs. Making homemade play doh. Reading books. Calling and FaceTiming family. Very casually beginning to potty train. Making art projects with bingo daubers. Holding hands and taking walks around the neighborhood. Looking for ducks in the pond and airplanes in the sky. Watching Frozen, Frozen 2, and Ferdinand the Bull. Pretending to be a Fireman. Eating lunches together as a family everyday at noon. Playing Hide n Seek. Doing puzzles. Eating dinner together as a family at the kitchen table every night. Reading “Pete the Cat” and singing the tractor song before bed. Hugging each other randomly and telling one another, “I love you so much!”

I have thoroughly enjoyed the extra time with my boys. But I’ve realized that I am not meant to be a SAHM.

Maybe I will feel differently in a few months. Or in a year. Or in five years.

But for now, I would like to cancel my trial subscription of SAHM and renew my order of “Working Mom.” (Although something tells me that it might be a special edition of “Working from Home Mom.”)

My maternity leave with both kids home has given me a whole new appreciation for teachers and parents everywhere. It’s also made me tremendously grateful for the career I have. While millions are losing their jobs and filing for unemployment, I feel extremely fortunate to work for a company that is considered “essential” during this time.

I am looking forward to going back to work and playing a role in supplying groceries to customers across the United States.

For those who don’t know, I help get toilet paper on shelf in almost 2,000 stores across America. Yeah. Talk about a time to be away from work on FMLA.

My maternity leave is up at the end of April. Who knows how long the social distancing and stay-at-home quarantines will last. Honestly, who even knows what day it is right now? (Tuesday, April 7th.)

I wanted to write this so I wouldn’t forget this time of my life that I had been daydreaming about. To document the memories from those first few weeks when Nolan stayed home from daycare. To be reminded of all the wonderful activities my son and I were able to do together while we were “quarantined.” To remember all the beautiful and sweet moments that arose during a scary and stressful time.

To recall that in a time of uncertainty, I received the assurance that my original plan to return to work was not only what I wanted to do, but what I should do.

Yes, I will forever be grateful for this gift of time where I was able to slow down, be present, and enjoy the “littleness” of my child when I was a “Stay At Home Mom.”