I Had a Miscarriage

Photo by: Cassie Schott Photography

I can still hear the nurse's voice on the other end of the phone. "Your levels actually dropped."

Her emphasis hung over 'dropped' and the word echoed in my ears as she continued. But she didn't have to explain - I knew what the decrease meant...a miscarriage was likely in my near future.

It had only been 2 weeks since we had learned I was pregnant, but within those 14 days we had already began planning for this addition to our family.

We thought of names, discussed maternity leave, forecasted what our savings account would look like, and created fun ways to announce to our family and friends that our first child was due in November. 11/8/17.

I will never forget that Saturday afternoon phone call. Or the physical and emotional pain that followed days later when I miscarried at 5 weeks. I had always worried that I would struggle with getting pregnant. It never crossed my mind that I could get pregnant and lose the baby.

Today, 10/15/17, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

"Today we remember all babies born sleeping, [those] we've carried but never met, those we've held but couldn't take home, and the ones [who] came home but didn't stay."

As I sit here 30 weeks pregnant, feeling the kicks and flutters from our miracle rainbow baby, my heart breaks for all the women who have lost a child or are struggling with infertility. I remember the devastation I felt 7 months ago - feelings of helplessness and confusion. Shame. Disappointment. Grief. Anger. Jealousy. Loneliness.

Sending love and prayers your way sweet friends. You are not alone. I am 1 in 4.